Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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