Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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