please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sober January is a disaster.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
