she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
