Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
