my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
