He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
