I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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