Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Randomize
