Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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