He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
