shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
