thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
