her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
