So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
