I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
