Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
