Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
