i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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