Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
