You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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