I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
