Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
