worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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