I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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