Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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