Fine. I'll sleep in my office
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
