A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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