That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
