I think I died a long time ago.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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