im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
