i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
