I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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