Whod you bang
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
