No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
