i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
