I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Sext me about skeletons
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
