I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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