my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
