Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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