I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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