he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
