I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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