Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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