You can't motorboat a personality
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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