so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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