the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
