so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
