I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have aggressive nipples.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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