I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
