I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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